How to Still the Inner Critic So You Can Hear Your Own Voice

Sometimes we know something is off long before we understand why.

We feel anxious, sad, stuck, or disconnected from ourselves. We second-guess a decision. We replay something we said. We begin questioning whether we're capable, worthy, lovable—or whether it's simply too late to have the life we want.

And sometimes, beneath all of that, is a familiar voice we've been listening to for so long that we no longer recognize it as a voice at all.

This is the inner critic.

It might sound like:

You should have done that differently.

You're not good enough.

You don't have what it takes.

Other people can have that kind of life, but you can't.

It's too late for you.

The words may be different for each of us, but the effect is remarkably similar: we lose our connection to what we know to be true.

Where does the inner critic come from?

Our inner critic was shaped in childhood—through criticism, rejection, comparison, difficult relationships, painful experiences, or the expectations we absorbed about who we needed to be in order to belong.

Sometimes those messages were spoken directly to us. Other times, we simply learned them from the way we were treated.

I know something about this personally.

I didn't grow up with a mother who consistently had my back. More often, I experienced her as being at odds with who I was, and at times even competitive with me.

Experiences like these can become internalized. Long after the person or circumstance is gone, we may continue the conversation inside ourselves.

Eventually, we can mistake an old message for our own voice.

And that's where the deeper work calls us...

By becoming still enough to ask:

Is this actually true?

Learning to recognize what is yours—and what isn't

One of the most important things I've learned is that we don't have to believe everything we think.

A thought can be familiar without being true.

Fears are powerful but are far from wise.

An old belief can feel like part of our identity simply because we've carried it for a very long time.

Mindful awareness gives us enough space to notice the difference.

Instead of automatically joining with the thought I'm not good enough, we can become curious about it.

Whose voice does this sound like?

When did I first begin believing this?

What happens inside me when I believe it?

And beneath the fear, shame, or conditioning—what do I actually know to be true?

True healing is about recovering our own deeper knowing.

Meeting the critical voice differently

What we don't need is another argument with ourselves...

We need compassion.

I sometimes think of this as becoming the protective, nurturing presence for ourselves that we may not always have had.

Instead of allowing an old critical voice to run unchecked, we learn to meet it with something steadier:

No. I'm not going to speak to myself that way.

Yes, I made a mistake. I can learn from it without turning it into a judgment about who I am.

I don't know exactly how this will turn out, but uncertainty doesn't mean I'm incapable.

It isn't too late simply because I'm afraid...

I can walk through new things feeling afraid.

For those of us with a spiritual practice, this can also mean becoming quiet enough to reconnect with something larger than the fearful mind—to love, God, spirit, or the deeper wisdom within us.

This helps us remember that the frightened or critical voice is not the whole of who we are.

Sometimes the inner critic is almost invisible

You may not consciously hear the words I'm not good enough.

You may simply feel stuck, uncertain or unclear.

You may find yourself thinking:

What's the use?

I should know what I'm doing by now.

Or you may spend hours circling the same decision, unable to hear your own knowing beneath all the noise.

When that happens, rather than immediately trying to solve the problem, it can help to become curious about what you're believing.

What am I telling myself right now?

Is it true?

Is it mine?

What becomes possible if I stop treating this thought as an authority?

Sometimes there is grief underneath the criticism. Sometimes fear. Sometimes an old wound that needs tenderness.

Let yourself have the cry.

Give yourself some space.

Treat yourself with the same care you would offer someone you deeply love.

And then, when things become peaceful, listen again.

What do you know to be true?

Finding your way back to what is true

Much of the work I do with women is about this process: gently separating the conditioning, expectations, fears, and old identities we've accumulated from the deeper truth of who we actually are.

We peel back one layer and discover another.

Over time, something changes.

We begin recognizing our own voice.

We become less dependent on other peoples’ points of view.

We trust ourselves more.

And from that place, we can make decisions that are increasingly aligned with the person we are becoming.

This is some of the deepest work of transformation I know.

If you're in a season where you've lost your bearings, you're questioning yourself, or you simply can't hear your own voice clearly anymore, you don't have to have everything figured out before asking for support.

Sometimes what we need most in uncertain seasons is a steady place to sort through what is fear, what is conditioning—and what is actually true.

If you'd like support finding your own clarity, you can click “Work With Me” at the top of this page to schedule a complimentary call.

Rebecca Saxon, RN, M.A.
Transformational Coach & Mentor